


Picking up the Pieces

by BensonsFaerieWings



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:28:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28481673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BensonsFaerieWings/pseuds/BensonsFaerieWings
Summary: Barba comes in to help Olivia work through some issues after Tucker's death.
Relationships: Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson
Comments: 11
Kudos: 21





	1. Part 1

Author’s Note: I do not own these characters, that is Mr. Wolf, but I sure do love to borrow them for a play date. 

Takes place after Tucker’s death and should follow cannon until it doesn’t.

Rafael Barba was sitting in his Chicago office watching the rain fall when suddenly his phone started vibrating, disturbing the silence he had been sitting in for god knows how long. It went off more than once so he knew it was not just a text, so he glanced to see the caller. He saw the name “Fin” and did a double take thinking that he did not read it correctly. He had not talked to the Sergeant in years, usually just passing his regards along when he spoke with Liv. Suddenly panic set in his chest and he picked up the phone immediately.

“Fin, what happened to Olivia?” he blurted out.  
“She needs you.” Fin said as if he knew the rest of the story.   
“What happened?” Rafael repeated. He tried to prepare his heart for the worst news, but he could not imagine what that news would be.   
“She’s not right. She is in a bad place. Any chance you can come back?” Fin said elusively. He did not feel it was his place to spill all of her business, even if he was butting in to call Rafael.   
“Mental or physical?” Rafael asked, realizing that he was not going to get the full story out of Fin.   
“Mental. And sooner the better counselor.” Fin responded.  
“I am guessing she does not know you are calling.” The concern in his heart was growing, but he knew he would need to be prepared for a fight if she did not know about this call. She hated to ask for help but hated it even more when people decided that they needed to interject on her behalf.   
“Definitely not.” Rafael realized that Fin must be in the squadroom with the short answers he was giving.   
“In the squadroom, huh?”   
“Yup.” Fin replied quickly.  
“Alright, I will be on the next plane.” Rafael said knowing that it must be serious if Fin was reaching out to him.   
“See you soon.” Just as quickly as the conversation started, it was over. 1 minute 46 seconds to be exact. He hoped that Fin would be able to give him more time when he arrived before he was thrown to the wolf. 

Rafael spoke with the campaign leader and advised that he had a family emergency back in New York and would try to meet them along the route as soon as possible. If Rafael was honest, this was a brutal election and he welcomed the break from the craziness and stress of it. If he was brutally honest, he almost wished that they would fire him and then he could move back to his apartment and sleep in his own bed again. He missed all of it, being an ADA, working with his squad and being close to his family … being close to her. He shook his head to wipe the cobwebs out and drove out of the parking lot to his hotel to book his flight and pack his clothes. 

Living out of a suitcase for the past year had its advantages, he had packed up everything within 20 minutes and was purchasing his airline reservation before he checked out. He caught a glimpse in the mirror across from him and was unsure he liked what he had seen. 

“Rafael, get it together. She is not going to welcome you with open arms in this situation. It’s not going to automatically mean she is ready for a relationship, especially with you. You could be running back for no reason.” He thought to himself, but he also knew he would go no matter who had asked him. The SVU squad at the 1-6 were more family to him than his own family and he would do anything for them. But it was her who held his heart for years. They fought like cats and dogs over some cases, but in the end they both would do whatever it takes to be able to get justice for their survivors. 

A quick glimpse at his watch shot him into motion. It was time to go catch his plane and see all of those who he missed most in this world. He was going home! Suddenly, like a kid on Christmas, he could not help but grin. He was trying not to think about Fin’s tone from earlier so that he could have an open mind when he walked through the door. He got to the airport in record time and returned his rental car. He checked his bag and then headed to his gate. 

The flight went smoothly and before he knew it, he was back at his apartment in New York. He decided that he would drop his items at home and get cleaned up before catching up with Fin. Despite loving being back home, he also started to really feel the nerves about what had made Fin call him home. The knots in his stomach increased with each passing moment as he got things settled back at home and took his shower. He downed a quick shot of whiskey in hopes that it would help, but it just intensified his nerves. He grabbed his keys and dialed Fin as he walked out to catch the Lyft he had called. It went straight to voicemail, so he tried again and had the same response. “Probably working a case with her.” He decided to try to give Amanda a call and hoped that she would not be too nosy. She did not answer either. He had one last shot before he had to just show up and walk into the wolf den. He dialed Carisi and ended up with the same response just as he pulled up to the 1-6. “Must be a busy day.” He took a deep breath as he stepped into the elevator and waited patiently for it to bring him to meet his fate.

As soon as the doors opened, he realized why he could not reach anyone, the squadroom was complete chaos with people everywhere. He tried to see if he could see Fin anywhere, but he saw none of his crew. 

“Can I help you sir?” The uniformed officer at the front desk broke him from his thoughts.  
“I am looking for Sergeant Tutuola.” He said still scanning the squad room. He was more trying to not be seen by her because he wanted to be able to speak with Fin before she saw him.   
“Let me see if I can get him.” The officer walked off towards their interrogation rooms. 

Fin came around the corner within a minute, looking over his shoulder, before approaching Rafael. “Dude, you were going to call first.”   
“You did not answer.”  
“Damn Friday nights!” He motioned for Rafael to follow him into the break room. Once the door closed behind him, Fin stood with his back to the door to ensure no one would walk in.   
“What’s going on, Fin?” Rafael asked as he sat down suddenly nervous from the serious look on Fin’s face.   
“She is not in a good place. You heard Tucker died right? Suicide.” Fin stopped to check to see if Rafael had heard.  
“Yes, I had spoken with her shortly after he passed.”   
“She has not been right since. She is just going through the motions, mostly through anger.” Fin said. For Fin to attach any kind of emotion to a statement about a co-worker and regarding the workplace was unusual, so this heightened Rafael’s senses.   
“So, she is going to be pissed when she realizes I am here for her.” Rafael took a deep breath in. They had not gone toe to toe in some time. He knew he would need to bring his iron armor to deal with.   
“Yea. Gotta get back to interrogation. Not sure how you want to play this counselor.” Fin said with a smirk.   
“Anyone in her office?” Rafael figured he would just sit and wait for her.   
“No, I will have a uni stand at the door to keep the rest out of there. Make yourself comfortable though, she is going at an asshat pretty hardcore at the moment.” Fin said opening the door so they could head back into the squad room. He stopped at the front desk and grabbed a uni to watch her door and ushered Rafael in quickly shutting the door behind him. 

Rafael had been in her office a million times, but suddenly he felt like he was in the principal’s office. It felt foreign to him. “That’s what being away for two years will do.” Rafael thought as he plopped down on the couch. Suddenly, his senses were heightened and he smelled her perfume practically drooling as it hit his nostrils. He had missed her so much while he was gone. He had known his actions were going to take him away from her, but he was not prepared for the impact he felt. Now being back, no matter the circumstances, he knew he had to figure out how to make a move. But first, he was going to have to get her to withdraw her claws from him and drop her defenses. 

He heard a sudden commotion in the squad room and knew she had spotted the uni outside of her office.

“What the hell are you doing?” She screamed. “Oh shit.” was the only thought to go through Rafael’s mind. She rarely raised her voice with her fellow officers. A suspect, or him, hell yes, but fellow officers rarely got that. 

“Liv, I asked Officer Mellow to stand there.” Fin yelled back just as loud. This was more raised voice than he had heard in all his years with SVU. He was starting to understand why Fin had called him. She was on a warpath of her own destruction. 

“What the hell for? What right have you?” Liv screamed back. Rafael dared to peek through the blinds to see if he could see her face or their interaction. Just as he did she ripped her arm from Fin and headed towards the door. 

“Not now, Liv. Let’s get this other guy to arraignment and then it will calm down.” Fin said sternly.   
“You are not keeping me out of my office, Sergeant.” Liv growled back. The fury in her voice made the hair on Rafael’s arms stand up on end. The only other time he had heard that kind of fury was when her son had been put in harm’s way. 

“Liv, please, just give me a minute to explain after we get this guy. You know, if I am doing this it is for a good reason.” Fin said squaring off with her. 

“Damn straight better be or I will be writing you up.” Liv ripped her arm away from him and stormed off. 

Rafael took a deep breath after holding his breath for the whole altercation. He wished he had grabbed a water while in the break room, but instead found a piece of gum in his pocket. Better than nothing. He pulled his phone out and sent a text to Fin, “Damn you were not kidding.” 

Mere seconds later, he heard, “Sargeant, got a hot date more important than our damn case.” 

“Nah, it’s nothing. Let’s go.” Fin snapped back. The sooner this evening calmed down the better off they would all be. Rafael was starting to feel like he should have worn a bulletproof vest into her office. 

About an hour later, the squadroom had calmed down significantly and Fin came in through one of the interrogation rooms attached to her office. 

“You doing alright, Sergeant.” Rafael asked as he stood up. 

“Just a normal occurrence these days. None of us can get through to her. You are my last hope before I transfer out.” Fin spoke frankly as always so Rafael knew it was the truth. He knew this unit would lose a lot if Fin left and suddenly felt as if the world had been dropped on his shoulders. 

“Where is she?” 

“Giving Carisi hell at the elevator. She will be here any minute. You ready for the warzone?” Fin asked knowing that he had not prepared Rafael at all for what he was bound to be on the receiving end of. 

“Now or never. Just do not let her shoot me.” Rafael said, trying unsuccessfully to lift the tension they both felt. 

Fin walked over and opened the door thanking Office Mellow for his assistance. And right on cue, Liv came barreling around the corner. 

“You better explain fast, Tutuola.” She snapped. 

Fin stepped aside, and Rafael stood up bracing for the unknown that he was about to be greeted with. They looked at each other - not sure who should be the one to explain, but to spare Fin the ass reaming, Rafael quickly spoke up. 

“It was my idea, Liv.” 

She turned on her heels and scowled at him. “What the hell are you doing here?” She snapped. 

“I can’t surprise my friend?” He asked, trying to lighten the mood. 

“After 2 years, no. What is going on?” She looked between the two of them with a knowing glance and brewing anger. “Explain or get out.” She said flatly and then sat down in her chair throwing her glasses on her desk. 

Rafael took a deep breath and took in his friend. She looked tired, she looked thin, and she looked plain unhappy - and it was not the squad or the busy Friday night. It was deeper than that. She looked worn down. He looked over at Fin and said, “I have got it from here.” 

Fin nodded and headed out the door, but not quick enough before she was on her feet again, “Oh hell no he does not get off that easy. Get back in here and explain yourself.”

“Liv,....” Both Fin and Rafael started but then neither knew how to explain this carefully. 

“I am waiting.” She grumbled. 

“I thought that you could use a friend.” Fin said flatly and then walked out the door closing it softly behind him. 

She looked at me with daggers in her eyes and then sat down with a thud in her chair, almost defeated. “You are supposed to save me?” She spat out. 

“Liv, I am just here to visit and catch up. Let’s go grab some dinner and go see Noah.” Rafael said calmly. He was in uncharted territory with this shell of the woman he loved. He longed to hug her but knew it would not be received well. 

“Did you not see the squadroom when you came in? I cannot just drop everything because you are suddenly in town. The world did not stop moving while you were gone.” She quipped putting her glasses on and grabbing a file.

“Liv, and now the criminals are all in jail for the night, so your squad can handle the rest. Let’s go.” Rafael said sternly standing his ground to get her out of this place for a few minutes even. 

“Hmph” was all she responded. “You think that they can handle themselves huh? You clearly have been gone too long.” She retorted. 

“Liv, come on, it’s me. What is going on?” Rafael tried to see if he could break through some portion of the armor, even just a crack to the beautiful compassionate woman he knew existed underneath all this harsh anger. 

“I have a newbie ADA, a DA looking out for her political career more than justice, a Chief that does not trust me nor do I trust him, and a new detective; plus Rollins and Fin. Tell me again that I should not be concerned about every case that walks through the door.” She slammed her chair back so hard it slammed into the shelf of pictures behind her desk. 

“So a lot of changes over two years. That is a lot to take in. I get it.” He said calmly, refusing to rise to meet her anger. 

She stormed to the door, “So, everything is fine. You can go back to wherever you came from. I am good.” She opened the door and motioned for him to leave. Rafael stood his ground and did not move an inch. “I will have you removed by an officer if I have to.” 

“Liv, you cannot shut me out. You may be able to shut them out, but you will NOT shut me out.” Rafael spoke sternly with a slightly louder tone than he intended. 

She chuckled an evil laugh and said, “You know I will damn well do whatever I want.” 

He realized that the stalemate was real and decided that he needed a new plan. He was not going to be able to talk her out of the office, not yet any way. “Fine, I will wait out here for you to finish.” He grabbed his jacket and walked out into the squadroom and sat at Fin’s desk. 

“Seriously?!” She scoffed and walked back into her office slamming the door behind her. 

Fin looked at him and shook his head. “This is pretty calm for her actually.” 

Rafael shook his head, and he felt immense concern for his friends, particularly Liv. “Worse than this? How are you still here?”

Fin took a deep breath and said, “I thought it would pass, but instead it escalated. She is going to break soon.”

Rafael looked between her office and Fin not quite knowing what to say. “How is Noah? She is not like this with him is she?” 

Fin lowered his voice and responded, “There have been a few incidents from what Rollins told me, but nothing too concerning. I know no matter what she does here, she would not do anything to harm him.”

Rafael carefully and slowly spoke his response, “Physically or mentally? We know there is a lot of history to think about there.” He almost waited for Fin to hit him but he just shook his head instead.   
“Nah man. I am not going there.” Fin shut his laptop which told Rafael that the conversation was over. “Listen I am going home, thank you for trying. Let me know if you need anything.” 

“Thanks for calling me.” Rafael said sincerely. “I will let you know if I get anywhere.” 

Rafael watched Fin walk out of the squadroom and took a look around. He did not see Rollins or Carisi anywhere and assumed they had both gone home for the evening as well. He took a deep breath and looked back at Liv’s door. 

He walked carefully to her door, knocking before opening it. She was facing the window looking out at the rain falling. She spun around as soon as she heard the door. She shook her head and stood up with attitude, but not nearly as much as she wanted to convey. “You really do not take a hint.” 

“Liv, can we go see Noah?” He asked hoping that mentioning her son would bring her down a few notches. “I have really missed my amigo.” 

She tried to keep up her angry facade, but he saw it fall into a million pieces around her. “Don’t you dare disappear on him again.” She spoke through gritted teeth. 

“Liv, we talk by Facetime every week. I have not disappeared on him.” Rafael was a little taken aback that Lucy had not told her boss that he spoke with her son every Wednesday before he went to dance.

She did a double take at him as if she had been stabbed. “You what?” She sputtered. 

“I am sorry you did not know. Lucy set it up with me shortly after I left. She said that Noah was asking about me.” Rafael took a step towards her.

“Well, fine, you can see him, but that's it. Then you can go on your merry way.” She said, throwing her stuff in her purse. 

“Whatever you say.” Rafael retorted, anything to get her out of that office. 

She sighed and grabbed her jacket and walked out of the office. She looked around at the squadroom and quipped, “Of course, they are all gone already.” 

He took a chance and lightly touched her back. He spoke quietly, “Liv, let’s just go.” Fortunately, she did not punch him and just stomped towards the elevator.


	2. Part 2

Author’s Note: If you are back for part two, thanks for sticking around. I do not own these characters, I am merely borrowing them from Dick Wolf for a play date. 

As they got into the elevator, he tried to look sideways at his friend to see if he could figure out what was going on in her head. He was used to her being angry at cases, frustrated with the job or the law and occasionally her co-workers, but this was different. Fin had nailed it on the head, she was on the edge of an explosion, but the question was who would it be aimed at. He was not sure his next move here, but he knew that he wanted to see Noah in person. He missed that boy almost more than his mom while he was gone, almost. 

“Liv, did you drive? If not, I will spring for a Lyft back to your place.” Rafael said quietly, treading carefully to keep her willing to at least put up with him for a few more hours. He did not expect a miracle tonight and that everything would be revealed or fixed, but he just wanted to see if he could manage any progress in a couple of hours. 

She looked at him shaking his head with pursed lips, obviously mulling over the idea of the subway verses taking a Lyft. There is less aggravation with Lyft but more people on the subway to keep Barba from trying to get into her business. As if reading her mind, Rafael said, “I promise not to ask you anything during the drive.” She sighed and just nodded, after the day she had had she really did not want to deal with the subway. 

They rode the whole way in silence to her apartment in lower Manhattan. As they got out of the Lyft and headed into her building, he got excited to see Noah and Lucy, but his nerves were on edge. He hoped that Lucy would not be subjected to her wrath because of him slipping about his weekly Facetime chats with Noah. He ventured to make small talk while in the Lyft, without much luck. “Feel up for some Italian or Mexican? My treat.” Liv did not respond; she just continued to stare out the window. “I can have DoorDash deliver from anywhere in the City. Anything you have a yen for?” He tried again. 

“Rafael, I could care less.” She snapped. Finally they pulled up to her building and both got out. He ran to catch up to her as she hustled into the building. They rode the elevator in the same awkward silence that had occupied the car ride. Once they got to her floor, an idea came to Rafael’s head that he thought might give them both some time to get their thoughts together. 

“Would it be okay if I ran to the grocery store and we could make some pizzas? I know Noah loves pizza, and you can wrap things up with Lucy while I am gone.” Rafael asked hopeful that she would entertain the idea. 

Instead her response was to roll her eyes and sigh, “Whatever.” As the elevator dinged, he watched her take a deep breath in, as if she was resetting herself from the day. She stood a little straighter and her shoulders tensed a bit more, but her face relaxed. He was almost amazed by the transformation in the few steps, but he had seen it before as she steeled herself before heading into an investigation, only this time it was to go into her own home. He filed that away for conversation for later, maybe it would be how he could get her to open up. 

As she unlocked the door, they both heard Noah yell on the other side, “Mommy is home!” Rafael smiled to himself, knowing that the boy was going to lose it when he saw them both walk in. 

Noah came barrelling at Olivia, barely letting her through the door before reaching for a hug. “Hi, little man, how was your day?” She hugged him, placing her bag and coat on a nearby chair. “Hi Lucy, hope he was good for you today.” She was finally able to move him aside just enough for Rafael to make it in the door and lock it quietly behind himself. 

“Hi Lucy, Hi…” He started but was interrupted by Noah, “Uncle Rafa! You are here, not in the phone. It’s not Wednesday!” He ran at Rafael and jumped up to hug him. Rafael picked up the boy with ease and swung him around laughing the whole time. “I thought you and your mom could use a surprise visit.” He said as he put him down, carefully watching both his and her faces. 

“Will you be visiting long?” Noah asked, tugging him to the couch. 

“I am not sure yet.” He said quietly. “But first, I am going to run and grab some groceries to make some dinner. How do you feel about pizza?” He asked tickling Noah. 

Noah giggled and said, “I love pizza!” 

“Alright, you hang out with your mom and I will be back in just a few minutes.” He hugged the boy and went to grab his wallet and phone out of his backpack. “Lucy, lovely to see you. Liv, any toppings you guys want?” He asked her pointedly knowing that she would have to respond in a civilized manner in front of Noah. 

“Yea, Noah loves pepperoni. I am more of a white pizza person, but anything is fine. Grab my keys by the door so you can get in the front door.” She said nodding towards the table where she had tossed them when they walked in. 

“Be right back!” He said excitedly, even though his stomach was a pit of nerves. 

He walked to the corner bodega, which he knew well from when he would frequent it on his way to her apartment in years past. It felt like it was a whole other lifetime with the way she was acting. It was almost as though she had two separate personalities that she was trying to meld together, unsuccessfully. 

He grabbed pizza dough, his favorite jarred sauce which would have to do on short notice, pepperoni, some broccoli, chicken, garlic, and olive oil. He would make a kid friendly and an adult pizza and hoped that they both loved them. He grabbed some bread to make garlic bread, a bottle of Olivia’s favorite red wine, a bottle of scotch for him, and a bottle soda for Noah as a treat. The adults would need all the liquid courage to get through the next couple of hours - wine so Olivia did not kill him and scotch so that he did not lose his nerve about talking to her. 

He walked quickly back to her apartment almost afraid that if he was gone too long she might change her mind. It was completely irrational given that he had taken her keys, but his nerves did not listen to logic when it came to her. He almost ran into Lucy walking out as he was walking in. 

“Hey, Lucy, I am sorry if Olivia was upset with you.” He said quickly, wanting to catch her before she left. 

“Rafael, I am not sure what you mean? She was fine.” Lucy looked at him quizzically. 

“Oh, I mentioned early that we facetime with Noah every Wednesday, and it was rather like she had seen a ghost.” He looked back at her with the same confusion.

“Weird, she definitely knows about it. Noah never stops talking about you on Wednesdays after you speak. It really is quite charming. Do not worry about a thing, she will come around.” She said, patting his arm. “I gotta run to class.” 

“Thank you, Lucy.” He said and then turned and walked back into her apartment building, even more confused than he was before.

He walked into the apartment to see that Olivia had changed and Noah was chattering away on the floor. Noah looked quickly at him and jumped up, “Can I help you make the pizza?” 

“Sure thing, amigo. Why don’t you go wash your hands and I will get everything set up?” He said putting the groceries down in the kitchen. “Liv, I grabbed some wine and scotch if you are interested.” She barely even moved her head to look at him, let alone acknowledge that he had spoken. 

Noah came racing back into the kitchen. “I am ready!” Rafael laughed and then set about making dinner with the little boy. His nerves calmed with the laughter the boy provided and Olivia even came out of her shell a bit to sit and watch their interaction. Dinner and Noah’s bedtime routine went by without too much tension, but once his door closed for the evening, it was like the air in the apartment was sucked out.

Rafael took a chance and started slow. “Thanks for letting me come see him. I have really missed him.” He said, treading carefully. 

“Of course, he loves you.” She said as she sat down on the couch with a glass of wine. “But don’t feel you need to stay.”

“Liv, I want to visit with you too.” He said sitting on the opposite end of the couch with his scotch. 

She huffed and rolled her eyes. “I am fine. I am not sure what Fin told you, but he needs to mind his business.” She took a large gulp of her wine and looked out the window, avoiding any eye contact with him.

“Liv, look at me. It’s me. You are the closest friend I have. I am not going to judge you not being alright.” He spoke calmly but stoically. He did not want to appear to be pitying her, but wanting to ensure that she also knew to be straight with him. 

She set her glass down sharply and stood up. “Dammit, Barba, I am fine. Go back to Iowa.” She hissed at him, trying not to yell.

He got up and got in her face and did what he did best, called her on her bullshit. “Olivia, you know damn well that is some bullshit. Give it to me straight, call me an ass or whatever, but don’t you dare lie to me.” He grilled right back at her. 

“Don’t get in my face in my own home.” She snarled back at him. 

“I will when my best friend is lying through her teeth at me. Because that’s what friends do, Olivia.” He snapped back. They could do this all night long. He was not going to let her think that she could just snap him back into place like she has been doing to her squad. They stared each other down for a good five minutes before she slugged the rest of her wine and went to get more. He down the rest of his scotch as well, but waited to refill until she was back in the living room. When she returned, she did not sit, but she was no longer pacing like a caged tiger. He felt that he had to take a chance and press her harder. “I know we have not spoken as often as we used to, but we have both had some crazy schedules. I am sorry for that, but I am here now.”

“Somehow you manage to make time to speak to my son each week though.” She spat out. 

“Well, he had someone who cared enough to reach out to me to ensure that I did. You also do, and his name is Fin.” 

“Well it should have been my call with Noah. And Fin needs to mind his business.” She quipped.

“Lucy told me you knew. So, what is the real problem here?” He retorted back. “Are you mad we do not have a standing Facetime date? Or are you mad you forgot that I speak with Noah weekly? Or are you just trying to throw things at me to distract me?” He calmly walked to the kitchen to refill his glass to give her time to seeth before reacting to him. 

“You have some damn nerve.” She snarled at him. 

“Well, that still does not answer my question.” He stated simply as he sipped his scotch. What is her game? He thought to himself even more curious to know what was going on with her. 

“Fine, whatever, I forgot about the damn things. I have a lot going on if you cannot tell.” She finally conceded sitting down on the couch. She grabbed her wine glass and swallowed the remainder in a large gulp. 

“Finally, we are getting somewhere.” Rafael said as he took his former space on the couch, still sipping on his scotch.


	3. Part 3

Author’s Note: Thank you for checking out my story - hoping to do this amazing couple some justice. I do not own these characters, I am just borrowing them from Dick Wolf for a play date. 

Olivia turned her face towards him from the window she had been staring out blankly. He saw how deep the sadness and unrest bled into her soul. He felt a shudder run through his being. This is far more than I was prepared for. He thought to himself. Just as he was trying to frame the words of his next sentence, she decided for him. “Rafael, I think that it’s time you left for today.” She almost sounded defeated, or maybe it was deflated, Rafael really could not fathom how much she had changed since he had left. He knew his friend was under the sorrow that lived on the surface, he would just need to get her to fight for it’s return. 

“Liv, I understand my visit came as a surprise, but really it is for me as much as it is for you. Can I see Noah and you again soon?” He asked as he grabbed his things. He would purposely leave the scotch behind for the next visit. 

“I am sure that Noah would love that. I will reach out after we plan out the weekend tomorrow.” She said walking him to the door and shutting it quickly behind him, but not slamming it he noticed. He looked back for a second before heading to the elevator. 

He took a moment to gain his bearings inside the Lyft he had ordered before taking his phone out to text Fin. “This is bigger than me. It’s going to take all of us to get through to her.” was all his text said.

His phone sounded shortly with Fin’s response. “We are ready to do what we need to. She always has our back. It's time we have hers.” 

Rafael knew that her friends would do anything for her. The squad was as much her family, if not more so than his. She and Fin had worked together for over 20 years, surviving the hardest unit in the force far beyond any others. “Let me get my thoughts together and I will be in touch.” 

Rafael spent much of his night trying to figure out what to do. He finally reached out to the one that always got him through his troubles, despite her meddling ways. Lucia answered the phone with steady concern in her voice, “Rafi, what is wrong?” 

“Mama, nothing, I just wanted you to know I was back in New York for awhile. I wanted to make plans for dinner.” He said skirting the issues on his mind, but knowing that she would not let it rest. 

“Ah, Rafi, I will come to you and cook dinner on Sunday.” She said excitedly. Just as quick though, she returned with, “Now, Rafi, what is wrong?” She was persistent if anything, he noted. 

“Mama, you cannot just be happy that I called and will see you soon?” He tried to joke it away. 

“Rafael Barba, if you do not answer my question, I will be at your door sooner than you can hang up this phone.” She admonished him.   
“I have come back to help a friend, but I am not sure how to.” He said realizing that he would rather not have her in his apartment at 10pm after today. 

“Look within your heart, Rafi, you will only find the answer there. And do not rush it. Your impatience will be the end of you, if you do.” She said simply. 

He wanted to be exasperated, but he knew that with what he had given her, she was giving him the best advice she could. “I know, Mama, thank you, as always. Your place or mine on Sunday?” 

“You will be at mass, so mine.” She stated as if he had any choice in the matter. 

He rolled his eyes, and responded, “See you then.” With the obligatory love yous, they ended their conversation. Rafael continued to nurse his scotch and stare blankly into the midnight sky. He had known that his best friend was in trouble, but he did not expect her to have shut herself off from practically everyone. She even seemed to be a shell of herself with her own son, distracted by the demons in her own head. He needed to come up with a plan to give her the opportunity to explode or release whatever those demons were so that she would begin to heal. But how to do that was the big question. 

Finally, as the sun came up, he finally came up with an idea. He sent his plan into motion immediately. He sent a text to Lucy first Hi Lucy, it’s Rafa, can you take Noah for a sleepover tonight so I can take Liv out with the gang for a celebratory dinner? She responded with the affirmative almost immediately. Next he texted Fin Fin, can you handle the squad? I am going to see if I can speed up the implosion. Lucy is going to watch Noah, can you watch the squad? He also responded quickly, Affirmative, Barba. Good luck and wear your body armor. Finally, he texted Liv Hey, Liv, can we meet up for some dinner tonight? I will pick you up. He knew that she was probably rolling her eyes looking at the screen already, but to her credit, she responded quickly. Yes, Lucy said that she would watch Noah for the evening so we can clear the air. Not exactly the warm and friendly response he had hoped for, but also better than he expected. He responded quickly to her, Thanks, Liv, I will come by around 6.

With that cleared up he felt like he finally could get some sleep, and sleep he did until about 3PM. Then he got his stuff together, including a change of clothes, just in case. He packed up his bag, and headed out to her apartment with the nerves building with each block that rolled by. He knew he was going to have to push her and that it could potentially end their friendship, but he also knew that it was his best guess for ensuring that she did not self-destruct. He knew that he was going to get there about an hour early, but he hoped that would give him sometime to visit with Noah, for what he had hoped would not be the last time. 

He got off the elevator in her building and walked to her door and knocked with slight hesitation. He heard Noah’s excited laughter on the other side, and she opened the door, looking beautiful despite the tired soul behind her eyes. 

“You are early.” She said opening the door for his entrance. 

“Guilty of wanting to visit with Noah a little bit.” He said closing the door behind him and placing his bag by the entrance. He planned to leave it here as his guarantee that he would need to return to her apartment if they really did go out to dinner. 

Noah suddenly noticed his presence, “Uncle Rafa!” The little boy came running over to give him a hug as always. “Mi amigo! What are we building today?” Rafael asked as he picked him up for a big hug. Olivia had disappeared and it did not go unnoticed by Rafael. Well at least she still has some level of trust for me, Raphael thought to himself. He joined the little boy on the ground and they continued to build all kinds of things out of legos, while Olivia made herself scarce. Soon there was another knock at the door. 

Rafael got up to grab the door, but Olivia had suddenly reappeared at the door. Lucy came through the door and smiled at Rafael. “Noah, are you ready for some fun tonight?” She looked back over to Olivia. “I was going to take him to the movies with my niece and dinner at Dave and Busters, if that is ok with you?” 

“That will be such fun for him. Let me grab my purse and I will get you some cash.” Olivia said smiling at her. As she walked away, Lucy winked at Rafael, she really hoped that he could help their friend return from the darkness that seemed to envelope her these days. “Noah, have you packed your bag for tonight?” She asked as she returned to Lucy with some money for their adventures. 

Noah looked between Lucy and Rafael, “But I want to visit with Uncle Rafa some more. I never get to see him.” He was clearly starting to get upset. Olivia stepped up and tried to quickly take control of the situation. “Noah, we talked about this. You are going to hang out with Lucy tonight and play with her niece. She wants to take you to the movies and out to the arcade.” 

Lucy tried to assist, “Amelia, is really looking forward to playing with you, Noah. Can you please come with me for tonight?” 

Noah had tears coming down his face and he launched himself at Rafael, who had tried to keep his place of neutrality knowing that Noah needed to abide by his mother and Lucy. Thankfully, Rafael had lots of experience of thinking quickly on his feet or in this case, his knees. “Amigo, I am not going anywhere for awhile. I will talk to your Mama and see if I can arrange a bachelor weekend where we just hang out.” He glanced over to Olivia, hoping she knew that he was just trying to help the situation. 

Noah sniffled a little and looked up at Rafael’s face, “So, we would just hang out just the two of us for a whole weekend?” 

Rafael nodded, “As long as your Mama is okay with that arrangement, then yes. We can plan some trips to the park and the zoo. But for that to happen you have to go with Lucy and be a good boy, okay?” He gave the little boy a reassuring hug. “I will always be here for you, Noah.”   
Noah nodded and slowly got up, “I guess that will be okay.” 

Rafael smiled and got up with him, “Alright, help me put these legos away so that we can play with them later and you can go have fun with Lucy and Amelia.” 

Noah made quick work of putting away his legos with Uncle Rafa’s help. Olivia had grabbed his bag and Eddie while they cleaned up. She walked back out and took the scene in, and no matter the hurt in her heart, she was overwhelmed with the love in the room for her son. Lucy, Noah, and Rafael battered back and forth and the laughter was abundant. In that moment, she was extremely grateful for the friends that had become family in her life. 

“Alright, sweet boy, give me a hug. I am going to miss you while you have fun with Lucy.” She said kneeling down to zipper up his jacket. 

“Are you going to be bored without me, Mama?” Noah asked as he hugged her. 

Olivia laughed and said, “A little but then I will be ready to hear all about the fun you had tomorrow? Be good for Lucy.” She gave him a kiss on her head and looked at Lucy. “Let me know if you need anything. Thank you.” 

“Not a problem, Liv. We are going to have a great time.” Lucy said and then walked the two of them out the door. 

The click of the lock echoed in Olivia’s suddenly silent apartment. The nerves in Rafael’s stomach were nearly making him queasy. His first inclination was to grab some of the scotch that he had left behind, but he knew that would be better served later in the evening. He did not have long before the “party” started. 

Olivia spoke sharply within what seemed like seconds of the door closing, “You have no right to arrange my life.”

Rafael looked at her with a sort of confusion. “I am not sure what you mean by that.” He took a seat on the arm of the couch, not wanting to be too comfortable, but also not wanting to be standing at the ready for a confrontation.

“Oh cut the bullshit, Barba!” She began to pace, clearly ready for a brawl. “Suddenly, this morning, Lucy wants to take Noah for the night. Then seconds later, Fin texts me that he is taking my on-call shift this weekend.” 

Rafael thought for a moment, as to whether he should keep up the charade or just come clean. He opted for coming clean in hopes that it would bolster some good faith. “Sorry, Liv, I have missed my friend, and just wanted some time for adult visitation uninterrupted.” 

Olivia scoffed, “Is that what we are calling forced psychological interrogation now, adult visitation uninterrupted?!” She paced a bit more before continuing, “And I didn’t know that my son would get in your way? Do not make empty promises to him.” 

Oh, she really does want a brawl, Rafael seethed in his mind, but put some effort to control his temper. “How dare you! You know damn well better than that, Olivia.” It was his turn to pace, she dared to say that he would do anything to hurt that little boy. He clenched his fists before turning back towards her. “I asked Lucy to take him so that he did not have to witness this. I knew you were ready for a fight and if that’s what it takes to get you to talk to me, I was willing to stretch the limits a bit. So, I asked friends for help and they agreed, because they love you. Tell me where I am in the wrong again!” As much as he planned to hold off on the scotch, she wasn’t holding off on the fight, so he went to her kitchen and poured himself a tumbler full. He poured her a glass of wine as well, but just left it on her counter for her to decide if she wanted it or not. 

“You have been gone for two years. You have no right to control any portion of my life.” She seethed back at him.

“I am not seeking control of your life. I arranged a visit with a friend that is hardly controlling your life.” He scoffed as he took a swig of the scotch. 

“Well, I did not ask for your help nor did I request it.” She said walking over to the wine he had poured, taking a deep gulp. 

“Liv, I said nothing about help, I merely said I wanted to visit with a friend.” Rafael pointed out calmly but sternly. 

“And what about what I want?” She asked pointedly. 

“What do you want, Liv?” 

“To be left alone. To enjoy a weekend with my son. To not have my “friends” dictate my weekend plans.” She said downing the last of the glass and slamming it on the counter. 

“You could have said no to Lucy, but you chose to say yes. You could have said no to me, but you said yes. A part of you must need or want this.” 

“Figured it was easier to get it over with.” She poured herself a second glass of wine. We are clearly going to need more alcohol, Rafael thought to himself.

“So, now one of my closest friends has relegated me to a thing to be gotten over with. Thanks, I really appreciate that one.” He said with the hurt brimming over and he did not even try to cover it up. However, that hurt did more to fuel the anger beneath his skin that would help him say the things he needed to push her buttons. “Fine, let’s get this over with. You need something, Liv, because you are treating your squad like garbage, and you are half the mom you usually are. If fighting with me is what it takes to get you to pay attention, so be it.” He swallowed the last of his own scotch and slammed the glass down. 

That did it. The fire within her erupted. “How dare you take a couple of hours and determine how things are going in my life? You have no idea what is going on.” 

“It took me 10 minutes in that squad room yesterday to see that things were not going well. You shredded every member of your team for doing their jobs.” 

“Oh, please, as if you have not done the same more times than I can count.” 

“At least when I did it, it was justified and not without cause. You are irrational and attacking them for no good reason.”

“DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB! You left the job, you lost the ability to pass judgment on that when you walked out 2 years AGO!” She shrieked at him. 

“I am not telling you how to do your job, I am telling you that you need to get over your SHIT, so that you can treat your squad with the respect they DESERVE.” He thundered back at her. 

“Oh, and what SHIT do you know about? It’s not like you have made an effort over the last two years to keep in contact.” 

“As, if you have! I had to hear through the grapevine about Tucker and Simon. I didn't even get to hear it from my best friend that she lost two important people within weeks of each other.” 

“As if you cared. You hated Tucker.” She spat at him. 

“But you loved him.” It was a simple response but it stopped her in her tracks for a second. “And I think more than you ever let on.” 

“Well, water under the bridge now. Whatever.” She spoke with a hurt that he felt to the depths of his soul.

“It’s not whatever, Liv. The grieving process takes time and it’s toll on everyone. You knew him for years, and obviously, respected him for most of those years despite everything. You deserve the time to feel that.” He tried to walk closer to her for the first time since he had arrived. 

“Well, sometimes, we just do not have the time to grieve.” She said with a large swallow of wine.

“Liv, look at me.” He asked, putting his glass on the counter. “Please.” She turned to look at him and his heart shattered into million pieces. The hurt that lived in her eyes was more than he could bare witness to. “Liv, let me help you.” 

She shrugged for a second and said, “There is nothing to help with. It’s how it is and we move on.” 

“That is garbage. Have you even talked to Noah about his death? Does he understand that Ed’s not coming back ever? Have you dealt with any aspect?” He was losing patience with the circles. He would rather she be screaming at him than avoiding this whole thing.

“DO NOT QUESTION MY PARENTING SKILLS! Noah knew he was gone before he even died. What’s the point?” She returned to her pacing.

“Because he is a child and he deserves to know and understand.” Rafael rolled his eyes to the ceiling to call for the strength he needed to fight this fight. 

“And, exactly, how do I explain that he shot himself in the head because he didn’t want to suffer through the throws of brain cancer?” She barely whispered as she took a seat on the couch. 

He walked slowly towards her, and then decided to take a shot. He sat down next to her and grabbed her hand, “I have no idea how to make that kid friendly, but he deserves to know and understand as much as possible.” 

“I cannot help him understand, if I do not even understand.” She said with one small tear rolling down her cheek. 

“Liv, you understood Tucker in life, use that to understand him in death. He was a man of great pride, an old school man of the house, strength of the family kind of guy. The only way to maintain that is to go out on his own terms.” 

“How would you even know, you hated the guy?” She snapped at him.

“Because I saw what you saw in him. We may have become distant during that time, but it was not impossible to see the stability he brought to both you and Noah. That comes from inside a person.” 

“But we had just …” She trailed off, gazing out the window. 

“You, what, Liv?” He pushed harder wondering if they had started to come back together. He had heard that Tucker had remarried though, so that could not be it. 

“We had just made peace when he told me his diagnosis. He had at least 6 months left.” She turned to look at him. “He robbed us of those 6 months.” 

“Liv, he robbed you of watching his suffering increase over 6 months. By the end, he would have been a shell of the man you knew. He wanted to spare his family that heartache.” He chose his words carefully, understanding that it was taking a lot for her to face these issues. 

“But he left. You all leave.” She spoke harshly. 

“Liv, who all leaves? We are all here, with the exception of Tucker.” 

“You are not here. You left. You are in Iowa.” 

“I am here now.” 

“But for how long and to what purpose?” She grilled him.

“As long as you need me.” 

“I do not need you to save me.”

“I am not here to save you, I am here to help you. I am here to be your friend.” 

“But, why did you leave?”

“I made a choice to think with my heart for once rather than my head. And it got me in trouble, so I walked away from my career here.” 

“But you made that choice in good faith that it was the right thing to do for those parents. Why did it require you to leave NY?” 

“Liv, it was not the case. I needed a break from NY.” He got up and went to the kitchen. There was not enough scotch in this world for the conversation this was leading to. He had hoped that it would not come up, but he could see that it was going to be unavoidable.


	4. Part 4

Author’s Note: Thank you for sticking around with this one. I do not own these characters, they are merely on loan from Dick Wolf for a playdate.

Rafael walked back to the living room with the large tumbler of scotch in his hand. He had mentally chickened out of the question, so he was ready to divert her attention elsewhere. “Liv, that one is going to take some time. What’s going on with you and the squad?”

Olivia chuckled with annoyance, “Deflection, how un-Barba like.” 

“Liv, honestly, I am merely postponing. Now, what’s going on with the squad?”

“Why are my questions unimportant to you? But you are rabid about your own questions.” Her voice was rising again. 

Rafael prepared himself for a battle again. “They are not unimportant, damn it. I just need a goddamn minute before I answer.”

“But I cannot take a minute,” she quipped back. 

That was it for Rafael, his patience ran out. “Olivia, I am trying to help you save your damn squad. Will you answer the freaking question?” 

She whipped her head around. “No one asked you to help me. It’s none of your damn concern. If they had such a problem, they would come to me.”

“If that was the damn case, Fin would not have asked me to come back here to help him help you save it. Stop and think for a damn minute about who called me.” He was gripping his scotch glass so hard, that he was surprised that it did not break or he did not throw it at the wall. “He cannot talk to you. None of them can. So, maybe just maybe, it’s time you got your head out of your ass and started answering my damn question.” He down the last of the scotch in his glass and in the bottle and slammed his glass on the counter. 

“Fin would talk to me if that was the case.” She was adamant that she was right.

“You are not listening to me, Olivia. He is about to leave the squad if you cannot make this right. What is going on?” Rafael pushed her harder. 

She looked at him in shock and concern, and it was suddenly like a light had gone off in her brain. After all, Fin had been by her side for over 20 years, and she truly trusted him with her life more than anyone else. “But, why?”

“Liv, because you are acting out of control with them. They walk into a minefield every day, not knowing what is going to piss you off. SVU is hard enough, they need you to be cohesive with them, not fighting against them.” He sighed trying to calm himself down enough. 

“Barba, I…. I just ….” He watched her slowly unravel and ran to her side as she slid down the wall, a single tear sliding down her cheek. 

“Liv, tell me, I can help you. I promise.” He struggled to keep his own emotions in check. 

“I cannot lose Fin. He keeps me level. He keeps the squad level.” Liv started to hyperventilate as well. 

“Liv, we will figure it out. Breathe please.” Suddenly she shot up, and ran to grab her phone. 

“I need to call him, I need to fix this.” She was panicking and her hands were shaking as she tried to dial. Panic was not a normal reaction for her, unless Noah was involved, so this peaked Rafael’s interest, but he did not have time to think about it. He wanted to be sure that Fin got her call.

Rafael grabbed his phone and texted Fin simultaneously, “Pick up when she calls. But be warned she is upset, but not angry.” 

Fin texted him back, “On a case, let her know I will call or just stop by in like 15 minutes.” 

He heard Olivia get his voicemail, and she left a message, “Fin, call me. We need to fix this.” 

“Liv, Fin is on a case, he will call you back in 15 minutes. Do you want him to come by?” 

She looked at him confused and shook her head in the affirmative. “How the hell do you know that?” 

“I texted him while you were calling, figured it would help.” He grabbed her by the shoulders and steered her back to the couch. “Come sit for a minute.” He texted Fin back, Come by if you can. 

Before they really talked much more, there was a knock at the door and Rafael opened the door to find Fin there. “Thanks for coming.” 

Fin walked in and straight to Liv. “Liv, whatever is going on, I got your back. This is why I called Barba. I need you to work through this and we will get through it.” 

Liv looked up and nodded, “Thanks, Fin. I will fix it. I am sorry. I will figure it out.”

“We have to be able to talk to you. Communication is key in our unit.” Fin said straight. 

“I will talk to you, I know it’s not my strong suit.” Liv sighed knowing that she had to figure out her issues with the job if she was going to fix this. She had to better understand the issues that she had been having within the unit. “How is the unit?”

Fin responded, “Don’t worry about the unit this weekend. We got this case and we will be fine.”

Liv just nodded and still looked defeated. He walked over to her and gave her a pat on the shoulder, as that was the most physical contact that they were about. She jumped up and hugged him, breaking their unspoken rules. “Do not leave the unit. We will figure it out.” 

He nodded and responded, “Alright, take care of yourself.” He walked to the door with Barba and said, “She is so defeated. Fix this. Let me know if you need anything.” 

Rafael nodded and patted him on the back, “Thanks, Fin.” After he shut the door, he walked back over to Liv and sat down on the couch. “Are you hungry? I can order something.” 

She just shook her head no. But he knew that they had consumed a lot of alcohol without eating. “We gotta eat. I will grab something light and some wine from somewhere.” Liv did not respond so Rafael went ahead and placed the order on his app. “It will be here in like 20 minutes.” 

“Liv, what else is going on with the job?” Rafael asked, trying to get her back talking to him. 

“I am just so tired. There is so much and I just do not know what to do.” Liv replied quietly. “It’s always been the worst of the worst, but the worst is getting to me. I walk through the doors of the squad room, and I am rocked to the core with nausea and anger.” 

“Do you think you are ready for retirement? There is more to life than SVU.” She got up off the couch like she was on fire and was shaking her head no violently. 

“Are you out of your fucking mind? This is my life. This and Noah. I just need to get past this.” 

“But, Liv, you are not okay.”

“It’s just been so much loss lately. I am questioning everything about it these days.” 

“You know your job, you know your squad. What is the deal?”

“Honestly, it’s getting harder to accept the job. Every day we put someone away, but every day there is a new someone to put away. Each is more sick than the one before. The ugly is getting harder to work around, and the world is getting even uglier. The new Chief does not look out for the squad, so I am feeling the pressure to ensure they do not fuck up. The DA has her own agenda as well, and Carisi is doing his best, but he’s no you. Cassidy is god knows where these days, dealing with some crazy shit. Tucker shot himself. You went off to Iowa. Munch even retired from the DA’s investigative office, and here I am just waiting for the next shoe to fall on my head. I am just so exhausted by it all.” By the time she finished, tears were threatening to pour down her face. 

“Have you talked to any of them about all of this added pressure? Maybe if they knew, they would be able to help you manage the politics better.” Rafael asked calmly. 

She just shook her head no. “You know better.Even I know that I just keep going until I break. I just did not realize I was taking the squad with me if I broke this time. Every time I walk into that squad room, which was more like home than home for years, I hate being there. I dread what I will see in our next victim or what orders will come down from 1PP. I just want to be able to do our job and help our victims.”

“Liv, they have your back. You have to trust them. Once you do that, you might start to not hate it as much. If you cannot do that, then it may be time to move on. You can do great things and still advocate for the victims.” Rafael knew he was treading on thin ice by even suggesting it. “And you also need to take better care of yourself. If you need one of us, you need to put it out there sometimes. We all get wrapped up in our own worlds and sometimes we just suck as friends, myself included.” 

She, again, shook her head violently no. “Listen, I am not fucking retiring. If that is your best plan, then you can get the hell out and go back to Iowa.” 

Rafael shot up to give it right back to her but was interrupted by the doorbell. He glared at her and went to grab their dinner slamming the door shut as he walked back to her. “Now, you listen to me. I only mentioned that you needed to consider it. If that was the only plan, I could have easily told you that over the damn phone. Get over yourself for a minute, and accept the damn help.” 

“Get over myself?! Maybe you and your ego need to see yourselves out after all. You are not the great savior you seem to think you are, Barba.” She seethed at him, almost shaking with the anger cursing through her veins. 

“I did not ask for this. I was asked by our friends to come help you. I gave up my damn job to come here for this. You are not the only one dealing with shit right now, Olivia.” He yelled back at her. 

“Yea, well it is not like anyone would know, you forgot about us when you left.” She spat back at him. 

“Forgot about you?” He rolled his eyes. “Give me a damn break. You are lacking in your insults, Lieutenant.” He pulled the food out of the bags slamming it on the counter. He knew that his anger was coming out more like a tantrum than legitimate anger, but he really did not know how else to calm down. He poured a glass of wine and drank it all in one gulp. I really need to go get more scotch to deal with this. Maybe I will text Fin. 

“Says the guy slamming my dishes in my kitchen. No one is keeping you here.” She came and grabbed the bottle of wine from him pouring herself a glass and also finishing it in one gulp.

Fin, do me a favor when you are nearby. Can you please bring me the largest bottle of scotch you can find? The good shit! I will pay you back when you get here, but this wine sucks. Rafael texted out of desperation. 

Told you it was bad, counselor. I will send Rollins by with it on her way home. Fin texted back.

Thanks, I should have come more prepared than the single bottle I had had. He texted back and then looked at the food with disgust. She had wiped out any appetite he had had with just a few words. 

“Well, since we are clearly going to need something stronger to not kill each other, Rollins is bringing the scotch.” He snapped, plopping down in a chair to just glare at her. 

“Like I said, you can leave at any time. I surely will not object.” She countered, as she continued to pace.

“Listen, I am not fucking leaving, so just drop that bullshit now. If you want me gone, call the cops. Oh, wait, that’s you.” He retorted. 

“What the hell do you really want out of this, Barba?” She shrieked, throwing her wine glass at the wall. She was tired of him being in her space, her face, and most of all, in her head. She just wanted to deal with her issues as she had been all along. Why the hell did Fin have to call him? He made things even more complicated than they were before. She snatched her phone off the counter and decided to text him that. “Fin, why the hell did you call him here instead of just talking to me?” She slammed her phone down and saw the lock picture on her screen, and quickly turned her phone back over not wanting to face that issue either. 

Her doorbell suddenly rang and as Barba went to answer it, her phone buzzed. She quickly picked it up and saw Fin’s reply, Because he knows you better than the rest of us. Now talk to him and fix this bullshit or I am gone. She slammed her phone again, not even wanting to deal with him now either. She sat on her barstool, clenching and unclenching her fists. Suddenly, she needed out of the space he was in. “I need to take a shower. Stay, leave, or whatever.” She said storming off to her bathroom, hoping the shower would help her get her thoughts and mind together. If Fin truly was contemplating leaving, she needed to figure out how to get this anger to leave, she would not run this squad without him. 

Rafael just looked after her confused, and then poured himself a large tumbler of the scotch Rollins had dropped off. He took a big swig and then proceeded to clean up the remnants of her wine glass. All the while, his mind was racing from one thought to the next. He thought of the burden his heart carried with him, the burden that drew him back here in an instant, the one he was barely willing to admit to himself, let alone her. He thought of her in the shower, but shook his head vehemently so that he did not go down that path with all this liquor coursing in his veins. That will lead to nothing but trouble, he thought to himself. His mind brought him back to the thoughts of his aloneness over the last two years. He had thought that time away would have fixed his situation, but it did nothing but make him wish for things to be different even more. Before he had left, his mother had warned him that moving away would do nothing to change what the heart feels, but he still decided to move and wish for something different. He hated to admit that his mother was right about anything, but in this moment, she had been. He slowly sipped the scotch more, losing himself in his own thoughts. 

After killing as much time as she could in the shower, Olivia emerged from her bedroom in leggings and a hoodie. She just wanted to be comfortable if they were going to spend the night fighting. In reality, fighting was the thing she least wanted to do with Rafael. She wanted to be so happy to see him and just laugh and enjoy time with him. But instead, he was forcing her to face some things that she had been avoiding for the past year, in particular. She came around the corner from the hallway, and saw him sitting on the couch staring into space. She saw a pain in his eyes that she had not noticed in her rage before. She knew that she needed to be a better friend, and try to stay calm. Maybe it is time that we figure things out, she thought to herself. Shit, if I don’t, I am going to lose my sergeant. She rolled her eyes and took a deep breath walking into the kitchen. She smiled as she noticed that he had cleaned up the broken glass. She grabbed a tumbler and poured a hefty glass of scotch for herself, seeing that he was clearly already enjoying what must be his second glass. She took a deep breath, a large swallow, and made her way to the couch. 

“Maybe, I really do need to talk.” She said quietly.


	5. Part 5

Author’s Note: Thank you for sticking around with this angsty story. Watching Liv these days makes me sad, because there is a level of sadness there that has not been there in sometime. At some point, she is going to break I swear. Anywho, I do not own these characters, I just borrow them from Dick Wolf for a playdate. Beware language in this piece.

Also, I have heard that there might have been confusion about why Rafael would reach out to Fin for the scotch after he had just left. It was two fold for me: 1) In my head, Liv lives close enough to the proximity of the precinct where he would be able to swing by again, if in the area. 2) At this point, Rafael has really only had contact with Fin *and sort of Lucy* so my thoughts are that he is going to reach out to whom he is comfortable speaking with. Hope that was not too confusing.

****  
“Hey, maybe we should start over?” Liv said as she sat on the couch with her feet curled up underneath her. 

Rafael turned to her with a smile. She looked refreshed, both mentally and physically, but she still looked like a shell of herself. “We can give it a try, but we are going to end up in the same place, Liv.” He said with a tone set in reality, as he swallowed the last of his glass of scotch. 

She rolled her eyes, “I know, Raf, but I need a mental reset to get through it. Can you just fake it for a minute?” She followed him in the kitchen to grab herself a glass of scotch. If anything, they were going to end up really drunk by the end of all of this. 

“Fine.” He said with an exasperated sigh. “Liv, Fin called me here, to check on you. Care to tell me what has been going on?” 

She gritted her teeth and responded, “Not exactly, the restart I was thinking of.” She had hoped for more of a light restart with some superficial conversation, but obviously Rafael had different ideas. 

“Well, we are nearing midnight already, and we only have a short while in the morning. This situation is dire, whether you want to believe it or not. You are a private person, but not with me, so out with it already.” He spoke with disdain and frustration dripping from his words. He was nearing his own implosion if she did not budge on this topic. She would not like who he called upon next if she did not start sorting things out. He had a list of people in his back pocket that he was ready to pull out of the woodwork to give her a piece of their mind, but he had hoped that he could avoid using that list. 

“Well, things change, Barba. People go away and lose touch, that changes things.” She snarked back at him practically baring her teeth like a rabid dog. He would not break her, they were not close like that anymore. He chose to leave and not look back. 

“Do not throw that in my face. You do not get to throw that in my face. The phone works both ways, and I did not see you picking it up either.” He spat back with venom coursing through his veins. She did not know the story, she did not know anything that she thought she did about why he left. 

“Oh, but you get to throw actions in my face.” She yelled right back at him. 

Now we are getting somewhere, he thought to himself. “Well, then just tell me, what the hell is going on.” 

Liv closed her eyes and tried to reach a place of calm and collected, where she could separate out the feelings from the logical so that she could explain it without living through all of the emotions. “Tucker’s death has just taken a toll on me. We had a thing, and we could have had more of a thing if I did not shy away from it, and then he took away all possibility. Simon’s death happened right before, there has just been a lot of loss.” Tears threatened to fall, but she was refusing to let them. 

“Liv, you still have so many people in your corner. You are not as alone as you feel.” Rafael said almost so quietly she did not hear it. 

“Logically, I know, but there has been too much loss. And the cases at work are just getting to me these days.” She whispered.

He took a calming breath, and dared down the path that terrified him. The end result could either be really beautiful, or it could end everything as they both knew it. He had spent a large portion of the past two years trying to navigate what to do with his feelings for her. It had led him to this moment and it was do or die. He might not be able to fix how he had handled the past, but he could promise her a better future. “I know retirement is not an option, so what do you need to be able to get through this? I am here for you. The squad is here for you. Noah is here for you. There are so many people trying so hard to help you, and you are just shutting everyone out. That is no way to live and I know that you know that. You taught me that.” He wanted to step forward and hug her, but he was frozen by the fear of her reaction to what he really wanted to say to her. It would have been better if she had been mad at him, he would have just thrown it at her in a fit of range, but now he was thinking about it. Thinking about it made it seem like such a bad idea. 

“But how long until I lose someone else? Fin is about to get married, and he is just as close as me to retirement. Will he leave? Amanda, that girl is forever in a whirlwind of trouble. Carisi is a DA now, but I worry about him with every case we get. Finally, Kat is great, but I am not sure if she is cut out to be here for the long haul. And I cannot even think about you.” She said, trailing off.

“Damn it, Liv, but they have not left yet, they have not even said they are leaving. Where the hell is this coming from?” That was the final straw and Rafael lost his calm demeanor. She was writing everyone off as if they were all going to just walk away and leave her behind. “Even if everyone does leave that damn squadroom, it does not mean that they leave you forever.” He ran his hand through his hair trying hard not to swing out at something, at anything just to get her attention.

“That’s what you think. How would you know?” She screamed right back, not caring if her neighbors called her brotherhood on her. The fight that she had been holding back for months now came to the surface. “Every damn person who has walked out of that squad room has walked out of my life.” She seethed with both anger and hurt, and it was a deadly combination. The combination had nearly destroyed her these past few months, with only Noah keeping her from drinking herself stupid like her mother. 

“Oh, come off it, Liv! The phone works two ways and you are just as bad at communication as anyone else. Stop acting like a petulant child unless you have a true basis for this attitude.” He was done with her self-pity, she needed to own up to her own part in this situation or be ready for the onslaught that he would bring to the table. 

“Petulant child?! This is my life, you self righteous ass! I know damn well who is gone from my life.” Olivia was done with self restraint and swallowed a shot of the bourbon she had kept well hidden in the back of her kitchen cabinet for moments just like this, where she just did not have the mental strength to not entertain her demons for what they were. 

“Well, then fucking tell me. Set me straight with some examples.” He said snatching the bourbon bottle from her and slamming it on the counter. 

She grabbed it back with a vengeance and glared at him with a fury that she generally reserved for the most vile criminals that walked in her path. “I don’t owe you or anyone else a goddamn thing.” Dammit, this apartment is too small, she thought as she tried to pace, but unable to get a good groove going. 

“You owe Noah the best mother he can have. You promised him that when you adopted him. If you are going down this path, you are failing on that promise.” He hit the nerve just right and she lunged at him ready to slam him against the wall. 

“You will not bring Noah into whatever this is, you hear me?!” She spoke with a quiet icy tone that would have turned the rainforest into Antartica. 

Rafael struggled against her grip, but managed to turn just enough to stare into her eyes, “Then save yourself before you fail and tell me who the fuck you think is leaving you high and dry. Who or what caused you to build this wall?” 

“Rafael, why is this so damn important to you anyway?” She finally let go and walked back to the bottle of bourbon for another swig. 

“Because I give a shit. I actually care a lot more than you seem to understand about what happens to you and to Noah. So, answer the damn question.” Rafael said, slamming his own shot of bourbon. If she was getting drunk, he might as well join her. 

“Who do you think? I mean my mother is an obvious answer, but to be honest, she really did not break as much as she probably should have. Alex, Wong, Novak, and Stabler all left that squadroom and never looked back. They were my family before you came and they all walked out. Then Cragen, Amaro, and both the Dodds. It’s as if I am tied to that squad room, but no one else is. And damn it, if it's not infuriating that they can just walk out and not look back, I do not know what is.” She clenched her fists as she felt all the emotions of thinking about each and every one of them walking out the door for the final time, some she did not even get to see walk out for the final time. Her teeth clenched as memories of packing up his desk flooded her mind, if she wanted to be honest, he really started this bullshit all those years ago. It had been nearly a decade at this point, but he still had a hold of her heart. She had not been in love with him as many had thought, but he had been her rock for years, and then the rock was gone. It was hard to exist without the first bit of stability she had experienced in her life that did not come from within. 

“All of those people left for valid reasons, Olivia. People move on, it happens.But it does not mean that they do not care about you.”

“Really, so just walking away from your best friend without a word is valid to you?” She seethed at him. 

“Listen, I do not know the details, so you might have to fill me, but I thought that he retired after he shot a child.” Rafael looked at her with concern and curiosity on his face. He did not know the story of Elliot, and he never cared to, because he knew enough from Fin that Elliot had broken her in a way that no one ever should. 

“He put in his papers and never spoke to me after that shooting. He walked away like I meant nothing to him without a word of explanation or even just a simple goodbye.” She shook her head to rid herself of the hurt that was clouding her brain. “It does not matter, he and the rest are all the same.” 

“Ok, I understand that he was one eternal asshole, but Jesus, the rest of us are not him. Alex went into witness protection and then when she got out, she went on a path that was different than yours. Sometimes you carry an expectation that everyone live up to your version of righteousness and at times, we are all going to fall from your grace.” He stopped and took a breath, “But, Liv, that does not mean that we are done with you, but sometimes, you choose that moment to be done with us. I can say that I fall into the same category.” He sat calmly on the couch and sipped the water he had grabbed to try to stay sober. 

“Give me a break! I do not walk away from people as much as they walk away from me.” She spat out.

“Liv, you might not walk away intentionally, but once you square yourself behind that wall, there is no getting in. It could be the very reason why you and Tucker or you and Cassidy never made it work.” He drew a deep breath and prepared for the worst. “You did not give them a chance to see behind the wall. Hell you did not even tell Cassidy what happened with Lewis. And Tucker, my guess is he probably only found out because of the IAB investigation. I only know because I had to prosecute the son of a bitch.” 

“Screw you! What do you know about relationships? You are a self proclaimed workaholic, without meaningful connections with anyone. You can just walk away from people and never look back.” 

“You think I didn’t look back?” He scoffed at her. “If I didn’t look back, then why do I still talk to your son every week like clockwork? WHY AM I HERE NOW? Get a grip and stop being a bitch.” 

She railed at him, “What the hell did you just call me?” 

“You heard me, I called you a bitch, because right now that is what you are acting like. You want to be mad because Cragen and Munch retired - they put in their time, they deserve to enjoy life. Just because you cannot imagine life without the job, does not mean that everyone else cannot. Novak, well she made her choices, so that is just that. Alex is doing what she needs to. So, that means that the one person who left you, is fucking Elliot Stabler. Why is he so damned special that he gets to control your happiness like this? You can do better if you are going to hand your happiness over to someone to hold forever.” He shook his head as he went back to the bourbon. He could not believe that his normally rationale friend was so damn blind when it came to her own life. She had one asshole treat her badly and everyone else in her life needed to pay the price. 

“FUCK YOU, BARBA!” She screamed and threw her glass at the wall. At this rate, she was going to have to Amazon herself a whole new set before this infuriating man left her house. What did he want from her? 

“That’s the best you got, Liv?” He laughed maniacally. “Rendered you speechless, well that is a first, I do have to say.” 

“Maybe you are just not worth the speech any longer.” She spat back. 

“If I wasn’t worth it, you would have kicked me out of the house. If you did not want the help, you would not be fighting so hard to hold onto your anger.” He spoke concisely knowing that he was finally reaching a point where she might see that he was telling the truth. “If you want me to go on rationalizing the departures of the others, I can, Dodds Junior died - that can’t be helped. His father got exiled to keep your ass out of a jam and got you a promotion in the process. Ellis and Hayden, well they might be exceptions because they went after their political goals, and being attached to the firefight that is your unit, is not always the best one to be associated with. But you and I both know that if you called them tomorrow they would come help however they could. Same could be said for Elena, Elizabeth and a great many other judges that have tried your cases. McCoy still thinks the world of you as well. Retirement happens, life happens, shit happens, but you reach out to those around you when it does and you ask for help when it gets too hard. Putting yourself behind a wall helps no one.” 

“As if you should talk, you have a wall all your own. Where do you get off telling me whether or not I should build a wall around my heart to protect myself from the hurt?” She scoffed at him sipping bourbon and staring out the window. His words, however much they hurt, were a truth she longed to not hear, but was loud and clear tonight. Her best friends were threatening to walk away from her, away from her son, but they were giving her a way to fix it before they walked out. She was trying hard to get a grip on the reality of it, that they were all looking to find that life outside of the squad room that Cragen had always spoken about it, but she could not see beyond those walls. 

For the first time in a while during this battle, Barba spoke quietly: “You broke my wall years ago, Olivia, you and that little boy. Then in came Fin, Rollins and even Carisi.” He softens his gaze, hoping that now, she would come to grips with what’s really happening… and maybe even what he’s trying to get her to see between the two of them.


	6. Part 6

Author’s Note: I still do not own these beautiful souls, but I do thank Dick Wolf for letting me borrow them for a playdate. 

Olivia paused, glass of bourbon halfway to her lips, still as can be as she digested the words that he spoke to her. It was not the first time he had told her that she changed his view of the world, but this moment, it suddenly felt like more. But what right did he have to come back now and lay this on her. She gave her head a small shake, and down the shot of bourbon and turned to him with icy eyes. “Well, no one dares enough to break my wall.” 

“Maybe, you just don’t give anyone the chance to do so because you run as soon as they get close.” Rafael spoke succinctly, and with purpose. He was approaching this as he approached his courtroom battles, with a calm demeanor, despite the chaos around him. “Liv, you are a force to be reckoned with. It is almost exhausting to fight the force that you carry in your soul, but it is the same force that has gotten you this far in life. Also, maybe there is a fear on both sides of what will happen when you finally do let someone break that wall.”

“Well, if it is so damn exhausting to be my friend, then no one is asking you to stick around.” She quipped, but she really did not feel the conviction that should have backed those words. 

“Liv, if you did not want us to stick around, you would not be in the turmoil you are in.” Rafael decided that her anger was at a level where he could safely approach. He walked slowly to her side, carefully avoiding the glass they had not yet cleaned up. “You are hurt, you are angry that you are hurt, but you do not want us gone. You had a few years with Noah, where there was life outside of the squadroom, but you seem to have lost that lately. Maybe you just need a refresher.” 

“Barba, what do you know of any of this? You just got back into town after two years gallivanting across the country. If only we could all be so lucky.” She walked back to her kitchen with the intent to grab another drink, but the crunch of glass changed her plan to grab a broom and dust pan. 

“Gallivanting across the country? PLEASE.” Rafael rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation. “I think that you have lost your Detective skills, Captain Benson. You think that I chose to leave NYC and just wander to the middle of nowhere without any of my creature comforts. I have lived out of more hotels than I can imagine over the past two years. The past two years have not been something that I have loved, and if you cannot see that, then you do not know me as well as I thought that you did. I made a choice, a hard choice, when I chose to leave everything behind, but it was the only way I thought that I could save my soul. I did the unthinkable, and barely avoided the fate that I have sent many to. You think that was an easy action to live with? Fuck you!” Rafael swallowed the bourbon with furor.

“It’s not like you gave anyone a chance to help you!” She yelled back at him.

“And there it is … the RIGHTEOUSNESS! Why do I have to let you help me when you will not let me help you?” Rafael did not know if it was the bourbon getting to him, or if she was just wearing him down, but tears started to form in his eyes. He was losing his ability to fight her, not for her, but his ability to control the level of love he felt for her. It was breaking his heart to see her so oblivious to what was laid out in front of him. How did she never understand that he left to protect his heart from his love for her? That was why Fin had called him. Fin understood the connection that they had had, and how it was different than her squad’s connection with her. Rafael knew all her demons whether she wanted to share them with him or not, he had learned about them all throughout the years. Many late night conversations over cases that turned personal with each added drink. She had let her guard down with him, and he knew when he walked away, that it had hurt her. But he had never meant for it to go this far. He had not thought about the pattern of hurt she had felt from others leaving her, he had just thought that it would be easier to walk away, than to force her to make a choice for his love. But after he had seen how things were with her and Fin, her and the squad, even her and Noah, he knew that he had broken her as much as she had broken him. Would it be possible to repair the damage that he had done? He was not sure, but he would be damned if he would not put everything into it. 

He took a deep breath and pulled out his phone and looked at the time. It was nearly 2AM, but he figured that he would text them anyway and wait for their answer in the morning. First, he texted Lucy. “Lucy, keep Noah until after school Monday. I will deal with Liv. Please.” 

She responded, “Of course.” 

He responded back, “Thank you, sorry if I woke you up.”

Fin was on call this weekend, so he expected him to me up when he texted, “I did this. I will fix this. She won’t be in tomorrow or Monday, I will let the Chief know if I need to.” 

Fin responded, “Don’t worry about it. I will cover for her.” 

“Thanks, Fin. I am sorry for all you have had to endure.” 

“I didn’t call you back to blame you, I called you to save her.” 

“Understood.” 

He dared to look up at her and thought hard about what he was about to do, and wondered if it was a good idea, rationale or even smart. Nope. None of those things, he thought to himself. He found himself looking straight into her eyes, which were hard and cold. 

“Liv, why do you think I left?” He asked it simply, no emotion in his voice. 

She had just finished cleaning up the glass and looked over the breakfast bar at the man who stood in her living room. His sudden calm demeanor was almost unnerving to her, and she could not figure out how to soften her eyes. She knew they were icy, and even though it was not the emotion she was trying to convey, she was too keyed up to change it yet. “What difference does it make why I think you left?” 

Rafael drew a deep breath, and prayed for patience. “Liv, just answer the question. Why do you think that I left?” 

“I think that you could not handle it anymore. You had enough of the work, of the victims, of the injustice.” She said it simply, and she would not think less of him if that was his reason for leaving.

“Not even close.” Rafael slowly walked towards the breakfast bar where she remained motionless. He sat down calmly on one of the stools and looked at her. He took in her beauty, icy glare and all, and immediately felt his love for her flood every nerve ending in his being. “Dare to try again?” 

“What are you playing at, Barba? Why not just tell me?” She scoffed. Rafael scoffed back and shook his head. She realized that he was not going to just give her the answer. She took a deep breath, and gave him a real answer, “Feeling the real stuff every day hurts too much. Living life in color takes its toll on anyone.”

“Closer.” Rafael inhaled deeply, and eyed the bottle of bourbon with desire, but he wanted to face this moment without a crutch. He was as sober as he could be, and he wanted a clear head when he said these words. “Liv, can you sit down and just listen to me for a minute? I just need a moment for you to really listen, and stay out of your head and your anger for me.”

Liv’s expression softened to a quizzical one, “You better not tell me you are dying, once a year is about all I can handle that.” 

Rafael appreciated her attempt at humor, but did not react. “Liv, please.” Rafael was not one to be so serious, so calm, and it unnerved Olivia. She sat down on the couch and looked back at him without saying a word. “Olivia, I told you I needed to move on when I left. What do you think I needed to move on from?”

She cleared her throat and responded nervously, “The work, the world I live in every day. The harsh realities we face every day. It’s a lot to have in your head all of the time.” 

Rafael smiled at her and shook his head no. “I loved the work, the fight every day. It hurt and angered me some days, but I still had the passion for it when I left. It was hard to walk away from that fight. But that was not it.” 

“Rafa, what was it then?” She inquired quoting the name her son loved to call his beloved uncle. The anticipation of his reveal was killing her, but she almost did not want to know the answer. She feared what he was going to say. 

“I am going to say this, but you need to let me explain before you react.” Rafael paused and looked at her with a serious expression. “I mean it, do not interrupt until I am done.”

Olivia nodded, all of the anger that had boiled in her all night, was turning into a nervous energy, but she fought hard to stay seated and focused on him. This was clearly not a conversation he had been prepared to have tonight. 

“Promise?” He looked to her for confirmation. “You have to say it.” 

“Fine, Barba, I promise.” 

“You.” He spoke the single word and just let it sit in the air. Olivia’s jaw dropped and she just stared, and then her face scrunched up into a mixture of anguish and anger. “You promised.” He stated simply, knowing she was about to react. She closed her mouth in a tight lipped expression, as if she had to force herself to be quiet. “I had thought that I needed to get away and move on from you. You meant more than all of it, and I thought that if I moved on from it, then I would be able to return and we could get back to just being us.” Rafael looked to the ceiling, in an effort to hold the tears that threatened again back, and took a breath before continuing. “What I learned in the past year is that you cannot move on from love. You asked me earlier why I came when Fin called, because I would do anything to save you, even if it means facing the fact that you do not feel the same as I do. But, Olivia Margaret Benson, I love you and Noah, and have for years.” 

Olivia looked at him with an unsure expression as if she did not believe what she had heard, but also almost afraid to speak again. Suddenly, she had more emotions running through her veins than she knew what to do with. She tried to process them and sort them out, but it was not working. She got off the couch and walked to the window, and then looked back at him. She opened her mouth to speak but then shut it again. “Liv, please say something.” 

“You just left! You did not give me a choice. Why didn’t you just tell me?” She was feeling an anger rise, but she did not understand why, but she was powerless to stop it. “How dare you come back at me with this?” She spun on her heel and stared at him. It was his turn to not react and play into her anger. 

“Liv, I was not strong enough to take a rejection from you. You are married to this job, and I was not sure if I could watch you do this job without me by your side. I also knew that I would not have survived if you had told me that we were only meant to be friends. I took the one choice that I would survive the consequences of. You can be mad all you want, but I have never lied to you, and I am not lying to you now.” 

“But you made the choice for both of us. You made the choice for Noah. You did not give me a chance to say anything on the matter.” She was in a rage and while she knew she should calm down, she could not get a grip on her emotions. “How dare you!” She screamed. 

He knew where she was headed with this, he had seen her lose her shit before, and had been powerless to stop it. He knew he was going to be treading a thin line with his actions, but before he could think twice about it, he made the move. He was off the stool before she even took a breath, and had her pinned against the wall. “Tell me to stop now, if you do not want this.” He looked into her eyes and when she did not move, he kissed her. He slowly felt her relax into the kiss, and she did not try to pull away. After a few minutes, when he felt her anger dissipate, he stepped back. “Be mad all you want, but until you tell me otherwise, I am not fucking going anywhere. You hear me? So, stop throwing that in my face.”

The rarely ever speechless Captain Benson, just nodded. Rafael nodded back, “Now, are you going to finally tell me what the hell is going on with you?” 

She slid down the wall to the floor and sat with her knees to her chest, feeling like she was a broken teenager rather than a 50 year old mother of an 8 year old. “You left.” It was two simple words, but it meant so much. “I have been numb ever since you left, and then with Simon and Tucker, I just got angry. I got so angry. It hurt to feel anything but anger. There was no laughter in my soul.” One tear slid down her cheek and she dared to finally look into Rafael’s eyes. He had slid to the floor and grabbed her hands, as she spoke. It all happened in slow motion. 

“I won’t dare ask you why you did not call. But I will tell you that Noah told me you had changed, but he did not know how to explain it, but I knew when Fin called it was serious. Liv, you can’t keep going like this.” 

“I know, Rafa, I know.” She looked to the ceiling trying to gain control of her emotions. “But how do I come back from this place?” 

“You let us help you. You believe that I am not leaving again, unless you tell me to. You let Fin take the squad for a few weeks and take some time off. Practice self-care, play with your son, laugh. Let us love you, Liv.” Rafael hesitated before continuing. “Liv, let me love you. I know I will have to earn your trust again, but I am willing to give it my all if you are.”

“I am still married to the job, Rafael, that is never going to change. What has really changed?” 

“I have realized that we are more than the job. Before I did not think that I could handle you working in the unit if I was doing something else, but over the last two years, it became apparent that I would rather be there for you at the end of the day, than not at all. I can work elsewhere, I can teach, I will do whatever I have to, but I know the job is your life. But I want to give you a life outside of that job.”

“But your campaign work?” 

“I walked away without a second thought the moment Fin called. I barely even gave my boss an explanation. There are a million other people who can do what I was doing. Life here is more important. Tucker showed you life outside the squad room, let me continue what he started. As much as I hated the guy, he loved you and you deserved that.”

Olivia nodded sadly at the memory of her friend, her lover, wishing that his life had ended differently. But at the same time, he ended life on his own terms, and she could not fault him for that no matter how much it hurt. “He did love me and I loved him. I wish we had had more time, but I realized too late what he had meant to me.”

“Do you think that you would be willing to give me a shot to prove my love for you?” Rafael waited with baited breath for her to answer. 

She looked up at him, unsure of how to respond. She knew she had loved him for years, but she also knew she was a mess right now. “I am willing, but I am broken. I know I am broken. I have to learn to laugh again, and to not be so damn angry.” 

Rafael laughed for the first time in a long time. A big hearty laugh. “I know you are broken too! I was brought back here because you are broken.” He stopped and looked at her. “But I also know that I am partly to blame for you being so hurt and so angry. I cannot say that I would make different choices if I were to go back, but I am sorry that I hurt you so.” 

“You were my rock. You weren’t supposed to leave. I was not prepared for you to leave. I also was not prepared to feel so lost after you left.” Liv’s hands were shaking as she tried to get up from the floor. She felt unsteady on her feet, she was not sure if it was the alcohol, the mental or physical exhaustion, but she almost fell back over. Rafael reached out and grabbed her, and held her to him. 

“Mi amor, you will never be lost again. Let me help you.” He guided her to the couch where he sat her down, and curled up next to her. 

“I am so tired.” She sighed as she leaned into him. 

“Just rest, we have forever to figure everything out.” He kissed the top of her head feeling his own exhaustion weighing in on him. 

~FIN~


End file.
